Most people love a good joke. Who doesn’t like to laugh, and anyhow, laughter is the best medicine, truly. Anytime I’m feeling a little down, all I need to do is go to a YouTube prank video and laugh so hard that it’s impossible to still feel down. All of those yummy endorphins start flowing through my bloodstream and suddenly, I’m cheerful and as good as new. However, if you don’t always have time to watch a YouTube video, you can still enjoy some good clean humor. Also, it’s hard to watch a YouTube video while driving down the road or enjoying a family dinner. With the jokes below, you’ll be able to share them with everyone from your grandmother to your kids to your preacher. Some will make you laugh while other will make you groan, but they’re sure to get a laugh out of anyone you share them with. Enjoy!
1.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
2.
Two whales are in a bar. One turns to the other and says, “OOOOAAAAHHHHOOOOHHHAAOO!”
The other whale turns to him and says, “Go home Steve, you’re drunk!”
3.
A ghost walks into a bar and orders a shot of vodka. The bartender says “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”
4.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
5.
Why can’t you tell a kleptomaniac a joke?
They always take things literally.
6.
I’ve taken up speed reading. I can read “War and Peace” in twenty seconds. It’s only three words but it’s a start.
7.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
8.
What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?
“Audi.”
9.
-WHAT DO WE WANT?!?!?
-LOW FLYING AIRPLANE NOISES!!!
-WHEN DO WE WANT ‘EM?!?!?
-*NEEEEEYYYYOOOOOOOOWWWW*
10.
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin Mobile.
11.
Two cows are in a field, one says “mooooo!”, the other says “that’s what I was going to say.”
12.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they’re just a bit shady.
13.
I went into a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is, I just want a goldfish.”
14.
What did they give the guy who invented the doorknocker?
A no-bell prize.
15.
What is red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
16.
A termite walks into the bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
17.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
18.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear.
19.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
20.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it…