There are certain things you can expect when you have a child. Most parents are unprepared for everything that is coming their way but they quickly get the hang of it. After all, children can be quite unpredictable and you may end up with more on your hands than what you ever thought possible. That is probably where James BreakWell, a comedy writer found himself after he had daughters. He has four of them under the age of eight and he shares what they say online.
There is no doubt that these little girls have a lot to add to the conversation but the five-year-old is perhaps the funniest. When he adds her sayings on Twitter, they go almost instantly viral. It isn’t because she is being a smart aleck, it is just the honesty and innocence that she brings to the table. It is absolutely comedic perfection. Don’t believe me? Check out this sampling of some of the best tweets that he has posted. I dare you look to laugh:
1.
Me: What did you do at school today?
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don’t know what everybody else was doing.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
2.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*
Me: What’s wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
3.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
4.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
5.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
6.
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
Oh shit.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
7.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He’s not. He’s saving her life.
5: I’d rather die.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
8.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
9.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?
Me: I helped
5: How?
Me:
5:
Me: I read her the instructions
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
10.
Me: You can’t like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I’m never sleeping again.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
11.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
12.
5-year-old: Why can’t dogs go to school?
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
13.
5-year-old: I’m writing a book.
Me: What’s it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
Me: Oh.
5: It’s just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
14.
5-year-old: *eats a cupcake for breakfast*
Me: Cupcakes aren’t a breakfast food.
5: I know. They’re an all-day food.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 10, 2018
15.
Me: It snowed last night.
5-year-old: *flops on the floor* We already did winter.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 9, 2018
16.
Me: You’re still in your pajamas.
5-year-old: I’ll get dressed soon.
Me: It’s 4 in the afternoon.
5: Don’t rush me.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 7, 2018
17.
[spring break]
5-year-old: When do we have to go back to school?
Me: Monday.
5: *slides me a penny* When now?
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
18.
Me: Wake up. Time to get dressed.
5-year-old: Not again.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 27, 2018
19.
5-year-old: *won’t get out of bed*
Me: I don’t want to fight you every morning.
5: Then let me win.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 4, 2018
20.
Me: Why are you being mean?
5-year-old: I ran out of nice.
It’s going to be a long night.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
21.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) April 3, 2018
22.
5-year-old: Can we have pizza?
Me: We just had pizza yesterday.
5: The pizza doesn’t know that.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 26, 2018
23.
Me: Hurry.
5-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re still in bed.
5: I’m sleeping faster.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2018
24.
5-year-old: Leprechauns are fairies.
Me: They are?
5: I thought you went to college.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 17, 2018
25.
5-year-old: Do I have to change my name if I get married?
Me: Only if you want to.
5: Call me Shredder.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 20, 2018
Sometimes, his other daughters will say something noteworthy.
26.
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!
7-year-old: Love hurts.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
27.
Me: What are you doing?
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren’t any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
28.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What’s her name?
Me: She doesn’t have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She’ll make a great mother.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
29.
7-year-old: I’m glad I’m not a boy.
Me: Why?
7: I like being smart.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
30.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.
Me: Yeah.
3: Why?
Wife: Nobody knows.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
31.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It’s soft like a kitty.
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
2: Purrrr.
— “Bare Minimum Parenting” comes out in 28 days (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017